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startrek_diary2009-07-19 07:01 pm
captlebubbles.livejournal.com) wrote in startrek_diary2009-07-19 07:01 pm
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alt.enterprise.gossip 4: All My Ensigns
Our mod Samalander THE AMAZING isn't available, so I'll be standing in for her this week.
LAST TIME on All My Ensigns!
Lulled into a false sense of security by the removal of his name-replacement subroutine, lt.kevin.riley.SCI and lt.hikaru.sulu.COMM were surprised to find that cp.james.kirk.CMND has instituted one to alert him to uses of his name, and they were now on the hook for calling him names.
Incensed that lt(jg).joe.tormolen.SCI had been spreading rumors about his lack of manliness, cmdr.tony.giotto.SEC enlisted lt.caroline.mckenna.COMM to make his not-a-boyfriend apologize with her feminine wiles. Unfortunately, she turned out to be something of an evil genius.
WILL the doctor and captain crash Caroline and Tony's faux date?
WILL Hikaru and Kevin get out of EVA ship cleaning?
WILL Joe explode from jealousy?
Find out on this week's exciting edition of alt.enterprise.gossip!
LAST TIME on All My Ensigns!
Lulled into a false sense of security by the removal of his name-replacement subroutine, lt.kevin.riley.SCI and lt.hikaru.sulu.COMM were surprised to find that cp.james.kirk.CMND has instituted one to alert him to uses of his name, and they were now on the hook for calling him names.
Incensed that lt(jg).joe.tormolen.SCI had been spreading rumors about his lack of manliness, cmdr.tony.giotto.SEC enlisted lt.caroline.mckenna.COMM to make his not-a-boyfriend apologize with her feminine wiles. Unfortunately, she turned out to be something of an evil genius.
WILL the doctor and captain crash Caroline and Tony's faux date?
WILL Hikaru and Kevin get out of EVA ship cleaning?
WILL Joe explode from jealousy?
Find out on this week's exciting edition of alt.enterprise.gossip!
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-19 11:38 pm (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: dr.leonard.mccoy.MEDD
This electrolytic shaving thing. It's great and all, but when exactly is all my body hair going to grow back?
Only there's that beach planet about two weeks away and I was going to give everyone shore leave, but I don't know if I can let the whole crew see me in shorts like this...
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-19 11:45 pm (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: cp.james.kirk.CMND
Damn it, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a beautician! But, uh. It's pretty much permanent when you're as "thorough" about it as you were.
Although, thinking about it, I read there's a new experimental treatment for alopecia that's based on Aldebaran Alpacamoose hormones. I bet I could synthesise those.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 01:33 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: lt.caroline.mckenna.COMM
Regarding our 'date'- am I expected to kiss you at any point in the evening?
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 07:22 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: lt.john.kyle.OPS
I'm bored. Are we fighting? If yes: can we stop and have makeup sex now? If no: amuse me.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 07:25 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: lt.kevin.riley.COMM
We aren't fighting. Or that is, we weren't until you treated me like a trained monkey to dance for your amusement.
Just kidding! You can't bait me that easily.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 07:26 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: lt.john.kyle.OPS
It's a slow day and I'm just so not amused at the moment. When is your shift over? I want sex.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 07:30 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: lt.kevin.riley.COMM
My shift isn't over until 2000. Can you hold out until then? If not, I can send you increasingly lewd texts all afternoon.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 07:33 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: lt.john.kyle.OPS
I get off of my shift in twenty minutes; I've been staring at a blank screen for the past seven hours. This part of space is boring.
Send me lewd messages. That'll at least be amusing.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 07:41 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: lt.kevin.riley.COMM
I should have known that you would call my bluff.
Is it sufficiently lewd to express an appreciation for the shapeliness of your backside? Or would I have to employ a poorly worded metaphor, possibly involving clichéd food imagery?
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 07:45 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: lt.john.kyle.OPS
Oh god. Neither, please? If you're going to say anything just tell me what you want to do to me after you get off of your shift. You are terrible at talking dirty. You can't even say 'sex' without stuttering and turning red.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 07:49 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: lt.kevin.riley.COMM
"Tell me the smallest things about yourself so long as they are obscene and secret and filthy. Let every sentence be full of dirty, immodest words and sounds. They are all lovely to hear and to see on paper even but the dirtiest are the most beautiful."
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 07:53 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: lt.john.kyle.OPS
Nnf. No fair. You know James Joyce gets me hot.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 07:57 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: lt.kevin.riley.COMM
See? You underestimated me. I may be terrible at talking dirty, but maybe I am excellent at writing dirty.
I want to make you so hard that when you get off duty, the captain stares at you as you walk off the bridge. Think I can?
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 08:01 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: lt.john.kyle.OPS
That's actually an absolutely horrible idea. We should probably encrypt these or stop entirely. Kirk's been reading a lot of them and you wouldn't want to give him any ideas. That would be awkward. Really awkward.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 08:07 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: lt.kevin.riley.COMM
O the horror.
Mea culpa.
When things are slow down here I'll work on a private encryption key for the two of us. Will report back when it's complete!
P.S.: "Goodbye, my darling whom I am trying to degrade and deprave. How on God's earth can you possibly love a thing like me?"
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 08:09 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: lt.john.kyle.OPS
Shift is over. I'll be in my bunk.
Join me when you've finished?
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 08:12 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: en.pavel.chekov.COMM
Riley sure looked uncomfortable when he left the bridge. What's your guess?
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 08:15 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: lt.hikaru.sulu.COMM
Perhaps he injured a leg? He seemed to be walking stiffly.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 08:18 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: en.pavel.chekov.COMM
So. You're eighteen in two days.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 08:21 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: lt.hikaru.sulu.COMM
You remember! Yes, I am. How do you think I should celebrate?
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 08:24 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: en.pavel.chekov.COMM
With me? I can get you a bottle of honest-to-god-genuine-Vodka, convince Johnny to write a program so the synthesizers make borscht or something, and you and I can hang out in my quarters and play sim games about taking over the world?
You'll be Russia, naturally.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 08:28 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: lt.hikaru.sulu.COMM
That sounds like a perfect birthday, Hikaru. Would you? And do you really have a bottle of very-real-not-synthesized vodka??
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 08:36 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: lt.john.kyle.OPS
Oh god. Johnny. I need a favor. Bad. Please, I'll do anything. Can you program the replicator near my quarters to make borscht and Russian honey cake in less than forty eight hours?
I swear, I will give you both my kidneys. I need this.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 08:38 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: en.pavel.chekov.COMM
Yes. A bottle of that. I also have a bottle of rum, which you might not be as interested in. Trust me though, it's quite good too.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 08:42 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: lt.hikaru.sulu.COMM
Should I take this to mean that Chekov is celebrating his birthday in your quarters? Congratulations, you old devil. I'll see what I can do about the replicators.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 08:44 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: lt.kevin.riley.COMM
Just for you, some juicy gossip:
FWD:
SENDER: lt.hikaru.sulu.COMM
RECIPIENT: lt.john.kyle.OPS
Oh god. Johnny. I need a favor. Bad. Please, I'll do anything. Can you program the replicator near my quarters to make borscht and Russian honey cake in less than forty eight hours?
I swear, I will give you both my kidneys. I need this.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 08:46 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: lt.john.kyle.OPS
If all goes well, yes. Yes he will.
John, if Kevin wasn't such an insecure bastard I would kiss you. You are a prince among men.
Like I said, I owe you. At least one essential organ.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 08:46 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: lt.hikaru.sulu.COMM
This is very kind of you. I am excited already! I very much prefer this to how the captain proposed I celebrate.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 08:48 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: lt.john.kyle.OPS
Anything, he says What are
weyou going to make him do?no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 08:49 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: en.pavel.chekov.COMM
What did the captain propose? Go to a strip club, buy a lottery ticket, lighter, cigarettes, porn, and booze?
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 10:54 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: ltcdr.montgomery.scott.ENG
Scotty, I need your help. I have an evil plan.
We need to convince Sulu that he's on EVA barnacle-scrubbing duty for Chekov's birthday and there's no way he can change shift, okay?
(I'm not really gonna do that to them but come on, it'll be fucking hilarious)
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 11:44 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: cp.james.kirk.CMND
You know there are no barnacles in space, right? Just checking.
If you really want to get him conflicted, tell him right before the end of his shift that day that we've found some new fauna living on the deflector dish and you'd like him to be the first to examine it.
He'll dither long enough that Jailbait should get annoyed.
By the by, I know you're the one who keeps taping "ZOMBIE HUNTER" over my actual title on my office door. Stop it if you like gravity in your quarters.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 11:49 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: ltcdr.montgomery.scott.ENG
OH SHIT YES. You're a genius; remind me to commend you in the next shitty report I have to do.
There are barnacles somewhere, man. There's probably a whole planet of super-intelligent, starship-eating barnacles, and we're probably going to meet them next week. You know how it goes around here.
You mean you're not a zombie hunter? Funny, you kind of have that air about you.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 11:51 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: dr.leonard.mccoy.MEDD
THE HELL WAS THAT? I saw you sneaking off, you dick, what did you just inject me with?
I told you I didn't want any fucking experimental alien fur hormones! You are in so much shit.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 12:09 pm (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: cp.james.kirk.CMND
If you write nice things about me, make sure it goes directly to Archer. I'd like him to shit his pants because of me just one more time.
At least if the barnacles are evil, you might get to fight one and then rip your shirt? You know how much you like ripping your shirt.
Oh, I heart that Ensign Ricky saw you in the shower at the gym and has been trembling and muttering "it's all smooth" ever since. You and Doctor Creepy up to no good?
I am no more a zombie hunter than you are a lawyer. But good job reporting "gremlin on the wing" to security- they've been trying to figure out what part the "wing" is for about an hour now.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 12:20 pm (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: lt.hikaru.sulu.COMM
The Captain is scratching again. I think he has fleas.
Also, someone should tell him he looks silly with that mustache.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 12:23 pm (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: dr.leonard.mccoy.MEDD
CC: cdr.s-chn-t-gai.spock.OPS
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK
Spock you take the conn
Bones I'm going to kill you. Or just SMOTHER YOU TO DEATH (you'll see what I mean)
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-20 11:52 pm (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: lt.nyota.uhura.LING
Did the captain lose a bet or something? He just came running in here with this bizarre wig on. I must have missed out on something good.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-21 07:54 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: cmdr.tony.giotto.SEC
Sir, there's some kind of huge hairy manbeast roaming the corridors. It hasn't attacked anyone yet but it came running out of sickbay yelling "BOOOONES" and seemed to be heading for Dr McCoy's quarters?
Shoul I come and help you restrain it?
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-21 01:56 pm (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: en.aa'dil.aa.d'al.a'aildi.OPS
I'm a little bit preoccupied at the moment. I'm going to get someone else to do it.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-21 01:57 pm (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: en.ricky.SEC
Hey, kid, I have a job for you to do. :D
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-22 05:05 am (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: rn.christine.chapel.MEDD
Honestly, I'm never sure what's going on where that man is concerned.
Do you have any advice for getting syrup out of hair?
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-22 01:08 pm (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: lt.nyota.uhura.LING
No I don't. Some of us haven't had syrup licked off our naked bodies by the man of our dreams for a couple years, now.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-22 01:10 pm (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: lt.nyota.uhura.LING
...oh, honey, I'm sorry. That came out mean. I'm really glad you've got a good man, it's just hard not to be a little jealous sometimes. The odds for a straight single girl on this ship suck.
You want me to come over tonight and help you shampoo? I've got some hot oil treatment sachets in my room, you could have one if you think it'll help.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-22 03:20 pm (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: rn.christine.chapel.MEDD
There's no need to apologize. I understand where your frustration is coming from, and I know it must be hard to hear me going on about Spock all the time.
Yes, come over tonight and after you help me de-syrup my hair I can do yours, and then we can have a girl's night. Would that be fun? We can play Scrabble or something.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-22 03:48 pm (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: cp.james.kirk.CMND
Captain, will you be returning to the bridge soon? I trust that I will not need to cite regulations.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2009-07-22 05:14 pm (UTC)(link)RECIPIENT: lt.nyota.uhura.LING
Not Scrabble! You always kick my ass at Scrabble.
Here's an idea: I have nail-varnish and a download of the new Wesley Wheaton flick. Plus, I hear the replicators can do rainbow sprinkles now. Ice-cream and makeovers?
You're a sweetheart, by the way. I'll be looking forward to it even if you do sneak in a game of Scrabble.