THE FIC THAT STARTED IT ALL
Jun. 27th, 2009 11:11 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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startrek_diaryBelow you'll find the fic that started it all.
If you're a writer, take credit! If you're a reader, enjoy!
If you want to keep playing, do that, too!
Dear diary,
Mr. Sulu has been acting wery strange lately. He keeps sitting closer and closer to me on the bridge. Yesterday he spent nearly 20 min with his hand just resting on my side of the console, "helping" me make adjustments or just tapping my hands with his fingers. It is wery distracting.
Does he not think I am able to do my job ? Maybe he prefers navigation and is trying to steal it from me.
Perhaps I should ask the other crew members for advice. I will keep you updated.
Yours, Pavel
Dear diary,
Mr Sulu has been making copy of my footsteps. In fact, I just discerned audible shoe outside my door and with certainty is him again. Today at dinner he inquisitioned about my vareniki and said it birthed resemblance to Chinese dumplings. He even make effort to burgle one from me!
His exhalations are fresh on my neck, which was wery itchy. I suspect he is of the nefarious schematics with the target of usurption my navigation status.
The notice must transfer to Captain of mutiny. My corporeal safety is at risk.
Yours, Pavel.
Dear diary,
Yesterday Dr. McCoy informed me that someone has been snooping around in my personal records (although he assures me that the pictures he took of my peenshka for medical reasons are still safe in his quarters.)
Also, last night I was awoken when I felt a strange sensation in my nether regions, only to find Mr. Sulu in my quarters, looking for a lost fencing glove.
After further reflection, I am beginning to suspect there is no glove.
I continue to inwestigate.
Yours, Pavel
Dear dairy,
I touched Pavel underroos today.
He just left all his clean clothes in the dryer. I was just being polite and folding them while he was gone.
…
I may or may not have taken said underroos and I may or may not be wearing them right now.
I know you’ll never judge me dairy.
Until next time,
Hikaru.
Dear diary,
The captain thinks that Mr. Sulu has a crush on me and I should, "Jump that ass and ride it on home."
The captain is a strange man.
Yours, Pavel
Dear diary,
With subterranean thought I pondered the meaning of the captain's utterance. Regretfully there is no donkey on board, and I am not enthusiastic for court martial of desertion.
Wery strange indeed.
Yours, Pavel
Dear diary,
Mr Sulu made unhygienic proposition in fencing today, illustrating allusions to the masturbation of sabre.
The brain directs cancellation of further fencing instruction from Mr Sulu but the crevices of my heart inform me to commence osculation.
With sparring hearts I am yours,
Pavel
Dear diary,
In light of my recent lesson with Mr. Sulu, I have decided the best course of action would be to test the Captain's theory by engaging in some light physical interaction.
The Captain suggested a mouth-hug. I do not know the meaning of this, yet I suppose I will ask Mr. Sulu if he would be agreeable.
I will let you know how my attentions are received.
Yours, Pavel
Dear diary,
My efforts have achieved ninety eight percent success! We made the explosion of love, like fireworks over the Kremlin. The two percent failure is awarded to rapidity, Mr Sulu was amateur.
For now we have pleasure interval. Tonight exudes promise of abundance in potency, for the bridge shall be uninhabited.
Yours, Pavel.
Dear diary,
Apparently the Captain is a creative man, because I asked Lieutenant Uhura what a mouth hug was today and she said it was, "Something that bottom-dweller would suggest."
The captain's quarters are on a high deck, which would suggest he was a top-dweller. Unless the ship was upside down. But then again, there is no up in space.
Perhaps I will ask Hikaru what a "bottom-dweller" is?
Also, I seem to have misplaced my favorite pair of rocketship underpants.
Yours, Pavel
Dear diary,
Today during lunch I asked Mr. Sulu the meaning of "bottom-dweller." Unfortunately, he choked on a replicated green bean at that very moment and was unable to answer.
He was kind enough to offer to explain in his quarters with refreshments and other sundries after our shift commences tonight. My heart is full and warm like wodka at the thought!
Yours, Pavel
PS- The Russians inwented green beans.
Dear diary,
Triumphantly Sputnik undergarments discovered adorning the testicles of Mr Sulu. Asphyxiation of green bean at lunch due to debauched matter at hand, only to be revealed in intimacy.
In solitude have been illuminated to the connotation of "bottom-dweller". Accordingly I dwelled on Mr Sulu's bottom.
Yours, Pavel.
Dear diary,
Today I totally hit that. It was awesome!
Except right afterwards Pavel got dressed and left, underoos in tow.
I sorta thought it might be nice to cuddle relax together for awhile.
I may or may not have wanted to be the little spoon.
Oh diary, what do I do?
Unil next time,
Hikaru
Dear diary,
After intercourse, Mr. Sulu began talking about spoons. Was he hungry? I do not understand.
Would Mr. Scott know?
Yours, Pavel
Dear diary,
Rendezvoused with Montgomery Scott to negotiate concerns of curved cutlery. Inscription as follows:
COR BLIMEY! Ah wouldnae put you doon as the buggering type, but you're telling me you've been havin' the Posh and Becks with left-tennant Sulu?
Dear diary, I am informed about the personage of Victoria and David Beckham from academic module 21st Century: a cultural history, however I do not see its relations. Would Uhura know?
Dear Diary,
Thought I'd see if Pavel wanted to meet up again tonight after shift, but he was nowhere to be found.
Discovered him later with Scotty in the engine room. They were whispering and all I could make out was Scotty making some sort of list: Soup, pudding, creme brulee, jello, etc.
After shift Pavel followed Uhura into her quarters, emerging 20 minutes later and looking a bit dazed.
Wtf?
Until next time,
Hikaru
Dear diary,
WHAT. THE. FUCK?!?!?! Kevin Riley just told me that Charlotte Wenger told him that Li Zhou told her that Giacomo Toni told him that Christine Chapel told him that David White told her that Gustav Humberto told him that Laurie Montagu told him that Tran told him that Raffello Essien told her that Zachary Pine told him that Rachel Goldstein told him that Joe Ramsay told her that Montgomery Scott told everyone Chekov said I liked it up the 'arse', dirty hard and fast.
Look, I only agreed to let him bang me in exchange for an eternity of ME banging HIM, so you must understand how sore I am about this. And I do mean that literally, btw.
Hikaru Sulu
Dear diary,
Conference with Lt. Uhura revealed that the ability to "bend balls" was highly desirable, although I am not sure Mr. Sulu would approve. Must consult with Dr. McCoy regarding an appropriate contortion ratio of testicles.
I have time to prepare, as the Captain has just informed me that Mr. Sulu has taken a "personal health day."
The Captain has also just forced the collision of our palms in mid air, which I find most curious.
Yours, Pavel
Doctor's Log
Re: Unscheduled visit-Pavel Chekov
Jesus Christ, is everyone on this ship fucking crazy? First I have to treat Sulu for a sore ass, and now the kid wants to bust his balls. Literally.
Sent him away with some lube and hopefully some sanity.
...
Also took a few more pictures of his groin for, uh, medical purposes.
McCoy Out
Dear diary,
Genius me thought to pretend to be sick in order to catch some sleep on the sickbay beds, in a bid to escape the HORRIBLE NOISE coming from a certain neigbour's room.
GUESS WHAT, said noise has followed me down to sickbay. FML!!!!
Kevin Riley
Dear diary,
Mr. Riley has told me that I need to learn to "keep it in my pants" but refuses to elaborate on what "it" may be. Perhaps it is time to try talking to Mr. Spock?
Also, the doctor gave me prophylactics. Thank goodness! I did not know that Mr. Sulu and I could get pregnant from our actions. I think, to be safe, I will wear two next time.
Yours, Pavel
Dear diary,
Today on the bridge Pavel nudged me and pulled out a handful of condoms for me to see. About half the crew around us winked at him.
I'm in love with a boywhore.
Until next time (unless I throw myself out an airlock first),
Hikaru
Dear diary,
Something is wery, wery wrong. It seems all Mr. Sulu's attentions towards myself have ceased with little explanation.
Today I knocked at his door and he did not answer, although I heard music coming from his quarters quite clearly. It seemed to be the same song in succession.
The computer identified it as the popular 21st century hit, "Put a Ring On It."
But, put a ring on what? I have much hope the Captain can assist me. He spent many hours on the Karaoke during our last shore leave.
Yours, Pavel
Dear diary,
VTF IS A COCK RING?
Pavel
Doctor's Log
Re: Medical demonstration-Pavel Chekov
Treated the boy to a demonstration of how to use a cock ring. Boy had the cheek to ask if it was for 'old men who have problems getting their wrinkly peenshka up'. Was so enraged that I would have flipped him over and plowed into him hard, except I...encountered certain difficulties. GODDAMMIT.
Captain's Log
Stardate: blah blah blahh
Sulu and Jailbait are going at it like rabbits-- I so totally called it!
Never pegged Chekov as a kinky bastard, but I set him up with one of my finest toys anyways. Wonder if they'd be open to a little double dating, if you know what I mean? I don't think Bones would mind, he seems to have a soft spot for the kid.
Oh shit, did I remember to clean the ring after last night? Oh well...
James T. Kirk: Your captain and confidante
Captain's Log
Stardate: blah blah blahh + 5 minutes
Sulu has entered my quarters requesting use of Karaoke machine. Proceeded to sing "All By Myself". Suggestively I sung "Let's Get It On" (dropping in "with Chekov...chekov chekov" at appropriate moments), message not received. Now he's singing "Cry Me A River".
Shit, it's my turn again. Think I'll sing "SexyBack".
Security Report
Lt. Hendricks reported to Captain's quarters at 0100 in response to reports of "horrible noises." Found Captain and Lt. Sulu singing 20th century country standard "Jolene." Got the hell out of there, told complaintants to go to Sickbay for sedatives if noise continued.
Lt. Hendricks on four days leave for injury in the line of duty. Will talk to Engineering about soundproofing Captain's quarters.
Dear diary,
Oh diary, I am so sad I want to shed tears like cats shed hair. My salty brine have soaked my pillow like a sponge, now my bed is in puddles too. News has reached me that Sulu is fooling around in the Captain's quarters. I once had nothing but formidable respect for Captain Kirk, for he has shown his fertility in the mind and action. Now the captain is too fertile. Sulu is a treacherous pig, he has forsaken me in search for astronomical lechery peddled by the captain. My heart truly believed we had achieved symbiosis, now he has been cruelly serrated from me.
...maybe I need to improve the performance of sexy, to acquire my beloved sweet pirozhky from the jaws of beast captain.
No longer Sulu's, but still yours
Pavel
Doctor's Log
Re: Pavel Chekov
The kid came in today weeping about how his "Hikaruska" was doinking Jim. I know for a fact that that's not true, seeing as I'm doinking Jim on a pretty much hourly basis (Note to self: requisition more Viagra and aspirin) but he just kept wailing about cats and I don't know, blintzes.
I wouldn't be 17 again if you paid me.
I gave him a pep-talk (man up, go get him, etc. etc) and sent him on his way.
Would have given him some.. sexual healing, but last night Jim insisted on writing his name on my cock with a goddanm permanent marker and I didn't want to have to explain it.
Also, out of Viagra.
Last will and testament - Spock, First Officer, USS Enterprise
The death knell has sounded. Contrary to common superstition it is not a low continuous note, but is approximately five octaves higher and resembles caterwauling. Further investigation with algorithmic matching systems has identified similarities in wavelets to 20th century popular Earth ballad "The Power of Love". Ironic, considered our given situation.
Reports of incapacitation from ship personnel are on the rise. I fear this is a slow death. Distress signals have been broadcast to all Starfleet points of contact. Origin of fatal phenomena is unknown, commands from Starfleet have been vague and undecipherable as a result of audio interference.
Before I cease to be I should like to make it known that I lived a life without regrets, except maybe for that one time I pretended to be sick so that Mommy would not kiss me goodnight. And maybe that time I passed up the opportunity to compliment Uhura on her fine posterior. And that one time I choked Kirk when I meant to choke a bitch. On second thought, I cannot ascertain the difference.
Goodbye, world. You have consistently thwarted my pure logic, thus I feel no sentiment for my time here. When I have expired I should like my body to be donated to further the progress of science.
My estimations place my time of death to be in four hours, three minutes and sixteen seconds. Then I shall pass into another world, where Mommy awaits with open arms.
Source of alleged "death knell" traced, with 95% probability, to the captain's quarters. Allged "death knell" was, in fact, The Power of Love. What can I say, to my Vulcan senses the difference is negligible.
The logical course of action would be to strive to remove all traces of my last will and testament from the ship's cache.
Captains log: Stardate April 4 and a half.
Last night when I was trying to convince Spock that he was not, in fact, dying of "aural assaults", someone broke into my quarters and stole my karaoke machine.
Lt. Sulu, who has been drunk and attached to it for three DAYS (Seriously, man, I need sex and sleep, GTFO) seems to have gone with it.
Seriously, if I had to hear Cher's "Believe" one more time.. well, can you ever really hear Cher too many times? I suppose I should be thankful for the opportunity.
Anyway. I hope he's currently Kara-ing Chekov's Oke, if you catch my drift.
Jim Kirk the Great
Dear diary,
Well, I survived last night, which is a miracle in light of the combination of booze and Kirk that I consumed.
If only my troubles would go down the toilet as easily as the contents of my stomach.
Aw fuck, Uhura says Pavel is looking for me.
Until next time (fuck fuck FUCK),
Hikaru
Dear diary,
Guess what happened? Just now, for miniscule time period, the power shut down. We were gravitationally displaced and have oscillated to the up and bottom, which does not exist in space but I cannot find replacement words. Do not worry! Scotty's voice has come over the speakers and he make guarantee of no problem.
...but clearly there are problems, though I would not call them problems. The ship programming is now cuckoo and when I accessed my PADD it started to download information meant for Mr Sulu. I think there is a possibility of technical malfunction, but now I have full access to Mr Sulu's files.
Hasta la vista, diary. See, I am now speaking like Mr Sulu, in Spanish. I cannot wait to see what documents he holds in his folders.
Yours,
Pavel
poetry.txt
There once was a boy who flew
Sat there, next to you-know-who.
I loved his eyes, green as the grass
I even appreciated his firm, toned ass.
He can't say "v" or "w"
But his subtle voice is like a coo.
I love him, my boy who flies
My beautiful boy, with the deep green eyes.
And only, if only something rhymed with his name
Hikaru and Pavel would never be twain.
--H. Sulu
ThermodynamicsClass.txt
"Professor Zhekoff, is there anything I can do for extra-credit?" Walter asked. Walter was a skinny, gangly sort of student. He had been bullied in grade school and high school, and he was often found wearing a checked shirt with pants tucked all the way up to his nipples. A scientific calculator lived in his breast pocket, alongside and assortment of blue ballpoint pens, 0.38mm.
Professor Zhekoff was the hottest professor in the school. He was a pure genius, and at the age of five had resolved the Markov paradox and at the age of seven was awarded the United Federation of Planets Scientific Scholarship. Sure, Walter was a good student, but during Professor Zhekoff's class he often found himself lost in the large green pools of the professor's eyes. The scientific genius had a body of a god, and the sunlight shimmered on his dark blond hair like a halo. His hair was the perfect length, it fell down in light waves to just below the ears. The scholar was always impeccably dressed, today he was clad in a fitting v-neck white tee shirt and skinny jeans that clung to the shape of his calves, sculpted from hours of hard work at the gym.
Professor Zhekoff smiled. "But you are my best student," he said to the Asian man. "And I am running out of extra credit assignments to assign to you."
Walter's bespectacled face fell. "But professor...I want so badly to do something for you..." He was practically panting in desperation. He was beside himself. Though he did not want it he felt his dick harden. Professor Zhekoff's aquamarine eyes bore into him. Walter felt ashamed...but he could not help himself. "I love you, professor."
To his surprise, the professor started to get out of his seat. "You have been such an attentive student," he mused. "I should be thanking you instead."
The professor cast off his clothes and threw himself upon the student. Did he want me all along? The hardworking pupil said. They kissed passionately, tongues lashing in each others' mouths.
"Oh!" the diligent sophomore said. He had wanted this for so long. He felt as if he could explode from joy, and
Dear diary,
Mr. Sulu's files are a scary and a bad place.
I do believe he wishes to have more intercourse with me.
Perhaps I shall finally, as he said, "put a ring on it"?
Pavel
dear diary,
holy shit you know the power outage we had just now? when the power came back on this..."secret compartment" in the karaoke machine became unlocked and damn it's all kinky pornos.
h. sulu
Dear diary,
It is with great jubilation I report that Mr Sulu and I have resumed the sexy. It happened when I decided to break into his room to slap him, because I confided in Uhura and she said that Mr Sulu was acting like a baby and needed some common sense slapped into him.
Anyway, I broke into the room, and Mr Sulu was watching an instructional video called "MaXXXimum Warp: To Go Where No Man Has Gone Before". I slapped Mr Sulu, and asked him if the video was instructional.
Yes, he said, and pushed me against the wall and started to kiss me. At that point I was still angry with him, diary, so I slapped him again. As you know if there's one thing I absolutely hate it's being pushed around. So I gave him a taste of his own medicine. I shoved him roughly against the other wall, and ripped his shirt off. As instructed by the video I said to him, bitch, I know you want my cock in you, you filthy slut. You want my come all over you, you want to taste it, you whore.
Unfortunately I was unable to proceed as instructed by the video because I am not in possession of two peenshkas.
You know what, diary. The sexy was, as Mr Sulu put it before he fell asleep, "mind blowingly awesome". I am very contented now, I am happy as a cat who just ate three cans of Fancy Feast and is sleeping in the sun by the window. I miss my Katyusha. I want to rub her on the tummy, and run my fingers through her soft orange fur.
I cannot really sleep, which is why I keep on writing, but Mr Sulu is concussed and only responds when I put my hands on his tummy and pretend he is Katyusha. Stop it, Pasha, he laughs, and then makes some noises that sound so much like my Katyusha.
Yours,
Pavel
p.s. after I finished the above entry I decided to watch another one of the instructional videos. This was entitled "Lightsaber techniques". I was disappointed to find that it showed no instruction of how to handle a lightsaber, which apparently is a glowing stick, which I'm sure Mr Sulu is an expert at. In fact this person cannot wield a lightsaber at all, it is a wonder he will ever achieve orgasm. He is leaping around like a fool brandishing the glowing stick, making monkey noises. When he turned around I saw it was Mr Kirk.
Dear diary,
It turns out I was right the first time: I'm in love with a boywhore.
Luckily for me, he's MY boywhore.
Until next time,
Hikaru
PS- more sexytimes to come if we ever manage to scrub the image of Kirk's "lightsaber" from our brains.
Sender: n.uhura@bridge.enterprise.ss
Recipient: gaila@tech.enterprise.ss
Subject: OMG THIS IS SOOOO FUNNY!!
Arrgh! You know how everyone's files were mixed up just now? Someone's fixed it now, but apparently someone's been writing gossip about our ship, and everyone's talking about it.
Hey guurls!
Spotted:
Bulk order confirmation receipt for four dozen bottles of Viagra, to be picked up at next planetary pitstop. Set course for Starbase 69!
Did yesterday's confrontation in cabin 405 scare you? Presumptions of domestic violence rebuffed, thankfully (we'd never ever wish that on anyone, not even the beeyotches on Farragut-B); S & C are going at it again, very very audibly.
A little bird has also dropped this gem of a video on the ship's network: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPPj6viIBmU Big J, is dat chu?
Till next time, xoxo
p.e.b.
OMGGG! WHO IS P.E.B.? What does it stand for? I know you Engineering guys gossip all the time, bb you gotta keep me updated!!!
Sender: l.mccoy@med.enterprise.ss
Recipient: j.t.kirk@bridge.enterprise.ss
Subject: FWD: FWD: FWD: OMG THIS IS SOOOO FUNNY!!
Jim, have you seen this? It's currently making the rounds.
Hey guurls!
Spotted:
Bulk order confirmation receipt for four dozen bottles of Viagra, to be picked up at next planetary pitstop. Set course for Starbase 69!
Did yesterday's confrontation in cabin 405 scare you? Presumptions of domestic violence rebuffed, thankfully (we'd never ever wish that on anyone, not even the beeyotches on Farragut-B); S & C are going at it again, very very audibly.
A little bird has also dropped this gem of a video on the ship's network: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPPj6viIBmU Big J, is dat chu?
Till next time, xoxo
p.e.b.
WHAT THE HELL, JIM. WHAT THE HELL. Also, apparently there's more.
If you're a writer, take credit! If you're a reader, enjoy!
If you want to keep playing, do that, too!
Dear diary,
Mr. Sulu has been acting wery strange lately. He keeps sitting closer and closer to me on the bridge. Yesterday he spent nearly 20 min with his hand just resting on my side of the console, "helping" me make adjustments or just tapping my hands with his fingers. It is wery distracting.
Does he not think I am able to do my job ? Maybe he prefers navigation and is trying to steal it from me.
Perhaps I should ask the other crew members for advice. I will keep you updated.
Yours, Pavel
Dear diary,
Mr Sulu has been making copy of my footsteps. In fact, I just discerned audible shoe outside my door and with certainty is him again. Today at dinner he inquisitioned about my vareniki and said it birthed resemblance to Chinese dumplings. He even make effort to burgle one from me!
His exhalations are fresh on my neck, which was wery itchy. I suspect he is of the nefarious schematics with the target of usurption my navigation status.
The notice must transfer to Captain of mutiny. My corporeal safety is at risk.
Yours, Pavel.
Dear diary,
Yesterday Dr. McCoy informed me that someone has been snooping around in my personal records (although he assures me that the pictures he took of my peenshka for medical reasons are still safe in his quarters.)
Also, last night I was awoken when I felt a strange sensation in my nether regions, only to find Mr. Sulu in my quarters, looking for a lost fencing glove.
After further reflection, I am beginning to suspect there is no glove.
I continue to inwestigate.
Yours, Pavel
Dear dairy,
I touched Pavel underroos today.
He just left all his clean clothes in the dryer. I was just being polite and folding them while he was gone.
…
I may or may not have taken said underroos and I may or may not be wearing them right now.
I know you’ll never judge me dairy.
Until next time,
Hikaru.
Dear diary,
The captain thinks that Mr. Sulu has a crush on me and I should, "Jump that ass and ride it on home."
The captain is a strange man.
Yours, Pavel
Dear diary,
With subterranean thought I pondered the meaning of the captain's utterance. Regretfully there is no donkey on board, and I am not enthusiastic for court martial of desertion.
Wery strange indeed.
Yours, Pavel
Dear diary,
Mr Sulu made unhygienic proposition in fencing today, illustrating allusions to the masturbation of sabre.
The brain directs cancellation of further fencing instruction from Mr Sulu but the crevices of my heart inform me to commence osculation.
With sparring hearts I am yours,
Pavel
Dear diary,
In light of my recent lesson with Mr. Sulu, I have decided the best course of action would be to test the Captain's theory by engaging in some light physical interaction.
The Captain suggested a mouth-hug. I do not know the meaning of this, yet I suppose I will ask Mr. Sulu if he would be agreeable.
I will let you know how my attentions are received.
Yours, Pavel
Dear diary,
My efforts have achieved ninety eight percent success! We made the explosion of love, like fireworks over the Kremlin. The two percent failure is awarded to rapidity, Mr Sulu was amateur.
For now we have pleasure interval. Tonight exudes promise of abundance in potency, for the bridge shall be uninhabited.
Yours, Pavel.
Dear diary,
Apparently the Captain is a creative man, because I asked Lieutenant Uhura what a mouth hug was today and she said it was, "Something that bottom-dweller would suggest."
The captain's quarters are on a high deck, which would suggest he was a top-dweller. Unless the ship was upside down. But then again, there is no up in space.
Perhaps I will ask Hikaru what a "bottom-dweller" is?
Also, I seem to have misplaced my favorite pair of rocketship underpants.
Yours, Pavel
Dear diary,
Today during lunch I asked Mr. Sulu the meaning of "bottom-dweller." Unfortunately, he choked on a replicated green bean at that very moment and was unable to answer.
He was kind enough to offer to explain in his quarters with refreshments and other sundries after our shift commences tonight. My heart is full and warm like wodka at the thought!
Yours, Pavel
PS- The Russians inwented green beans.
Dear diary,
Triumphantly Sputnik undergarments discovered adorning the testicles of Mr Sulu. Asphyxiation of green bean at lunch due to debauched matter at hand, only to be revealed in intimacy.
In solitude have been illuminated to the connotation of "bottom-dweller". Accordingly I dwelled on Mr Sulu's bottom.
Yours, Pavel.
Dear diary,
Today I totally hit that. It was awesome!
Except right afterwards Pavel got dressed and left, underoos in tow.
I sorta thought it might be nice to cuddle relax together for awhile.
I may or may not have wanted to be the little spoon.
Oh diary, what do I do?
Unil next time,
Hikaru
Dear diary,
After intercourse, Mr. Sulu began talking about spoons. Was he hungry? I do not understand.
Would Mr. Scott know?
Yours, Pavel
Dear diary,
Rendezvoused with Montgomery Scott to negotiate concerns of curved cutlery. Inscription as follows:
COR BLIMEY! Ah wouldnae put you doon as the buggering type, but you're telling me you've been havin' the Posh and Becks with left-tennant Sulu?
Dear diary, I am informed about the personage of Victoria and David Beckham from academic module 21st Century: a cultural history, however I do not see its relations. Would Uhura know?
Dear Diary,
Thought I'd see if Pavel wanted to meet up again tonight after shift, but he was nowhere to be found.
Discovered him later with Scotty in the engine room. They were whispering and all I could make out was Scotty making some sort of list: Soup, pudding, creme brulee, jello, etc.
After shift Pavel followed Uhura into her quarters, emerging 20 minutes later and looking a bit dazed.
Wtf?
Until next time,
Hikaru
Dear diary,
WHAT. THE. FUCK?!?!?! Kevin Riley just told me that Charlotte Wenger told him that Li Zhou told her that Giacomo Toni told him that Christine Chapel told him that David White told her that Gustav Humberto told him that Laurie Montagu told him that Tran told him that Raffello Essien told her that Zachary Pine told him that Rachel Goldstein told him that Joe Ramsay told her that Montgomery Scott told everyone Chekov said I liked it up the 'arse', dirty hard and fast.
Look, I only agreed to let him bang me in exchange for an eternity of ME banging HIM, so you must understand how sore I am about this. And I do mean that literally, btw.
Hikaru Sulu
Dear diary,
Conference with Lt. Uhura revealed that the ability to "bend balls" was highly desirable, although I am not sure Mr. Sulu would approve. Must consult with Dr. McCoy regarding an appropriate contortion ratio of testicles.
I have time to prepare, as the Captain has just informed me that Mr. Sulu has taken a "personal health day."
The Captain has also just forced the collision of our palms in mid air, which I find most curious.
Yours, Pavel
Doctor's Log
Re: Unscheduled visit-Pavel Chekov
Jesus Christ, is everyone on this ship fucking crazy? First I have to treat Sulu for a sore ass, and now the kid wants to bust his balls. Literally.
Sent him away with some lube and hopefully some sanity.
...
Also took a few more pictures of his groin for, uh, medical purposes.
McCoy Out
Dear diary,
Genius me thought to pretend to be sick in order to catch some sleep on the sickbay beds, in a bid to escape the HORRIBLE NOISE coming from a certain neigbour's room.
GUESS WHAT, said noise has followed me down to sickbay. FML!!!!
Kevin Riley
Dear diary,
Mr. Riley has told me that I need to learn to "keep it in my pants" but refuses to elaborate on what "it" may be. Perhaps it is time to try talking to Mr. Spock?
Also, the doctor gave me prophylactics. Thank goodness! I did not know that Mr. Sulu and I could get pregnant from our actions. I think, to be safe, I will wear two next time.
Yours, Pavel
Dear diary,
Today on the bridge Pavel nudged me and pulled out a handful of condoms for me to see. About half the crew around us winked at him.
I'm in love with a boywhore.
Until next time (unless I throw myself out an airlock first),
Hikaru
Dear diary,
Something is wery, wery wrong. It seems all Mr. Sulu's attentions towards myself have ceased with little explanation.
Today I knocked at his door and he did not answer, although I heard music coming from his quarters quite clearly. It seemed to be the same song in succession.
The computer identified it as the popular 21st century hit, "Put a Ring On It."
But, put a ring on what? I have much hope the Captain can assist me. He spent many hours on the Karaoke during our last shore leave.
Yours, Pavel
Dear diary,
VTF IS A COCK RING?
Pavel
Doctor's Log
Re: Medical demonstration-Pavel Chekov
Treated the boy to a demonstration of how to use a cock ring. Boy had the cheek to ask if it was for 'old men who have problems getting their wrinkly peenshka up'. Was so enraged that I would have flipped him over and plowed into him hard, except I...encountered certain difficulties. GODDAMMIT.
Captain's Log
Stardate: blah blah blahh
Sulu and Jailbait are going at it like rabbits-- I so totally called it!
Never pegged Chekov as a kinky bastard, but I set him up with one of my finest toys anyways. Wonder if they'd be open to a little double dating, if you know what I mean? I don't think Bones would mind, he seems to have a soft spot for the kid.
Oh shit, did I remember to clean the ring after last night? Oh well...
James T. Kirk: Your captain and confidante
Captain's Log
Stardate: blah blah blahh + 5 minutes
Sulu has entered my quarters requesting use of Karaoke machine. Proceeded to sing "All By Myself". Suggestively I sung "Let's Get It On" (dropping in "with Chekov...chekov chekov" at appropriate moments), message not received. Now he's singing "Cry Me A River".
Shit, it's my turn again. Think I'll sing "SexyBack".
Security Report
Lt. Hendricks reported to Captain's quarters at 0100 in response to reports of "horrible noises." Found Captain and Lt. Sulu singing 20th century country standard "Jolene." Got the hell out of there, told complaintants to go to Sickbay for sedatives if noise continued.
Lt. Hendricks on four days leave for injury in the line of duty. Will talk to Engineering about soundproofing Captain's quarters.
Dear diary,
Oh diary, I am so sad I want to shed tears like cats shed hair. My salty brine have soaked my pillow like a sponge, now my bed is in puddles too. News has reached me that Sulu is fooling around in the Captain's quarters. I once had nothing but formidable respect for Captain Kirk, for he has shown his fertility in the mind and action. Now the captain is too fertile. Sulu is a treacherous pig, he has forsaken me in search for astronomical lechery peddled by the captain. My heart truly believed we had achieved symbiosis, now he has been cruelly serrated from me.
...maybe I need to improve the performance of sexy, to acquire my beloved sweet pirozhky from the jaws of beast captain.
No longer Sulu's, but still yours
Pavel
Doctor's Log
Re: Pavel Chekov
The kid came in today weeping about how his "Hikaruska" was doinking Jim. I know for a fact that that's not true, seeing as I'm doinking Jim on a pretty much hourly basis (Note to self: requisition more Viagra and aspirin) but he just kept wailing about cats and I don't know, blintzes.
I wouldn't be 17 again if you paid me.
I gave him a pep-talk (man up, go get him, etc. etc) and sent him on his way.
Would have given him some.. sexual healing, but last night Jim insisted on writing his name on my cock with a goddanm permanent marker and I didn't want to have to explain it.
Also, out of Viagra.
Last will and testament - Spock, First Officer, USS Enterprise
The death knell has sounded. Contrary to common superstition it is not a low continuous note, but is approximately five octaves higher and resembles caterwauling. Further investigation with algorithmic matching systems has identified similarities in wavelets to 20th century popular Earth ballad "The Power of Love". Ironic, considered our given situation.
Reports of incapacitation from ship personnel are on the rise. I fear this is a slow death. Distress signals have been broadcast to all Starfleet points of contact. Origin of fatal phenomena is unknown, commands from Starfleet have been vague and undecipherable as a result of audio interference.
Before I cease to be I should like to make it known that I lived a life without regrets, except maybe for that one time I pretended to be sick so that Mommy would not kiss me goodnight. And maybe that time I passed up the opportunity to compliment Uhura on her fine posterior. And that one time I choked Kirk when I meant to choke a bitch. On second thought, I cannot ascertain the difference.
Goodbye, world. You have consistently thwarted my pure logic, thus I feel no sentiment for my time here. When I have expired I should like my body to be donated to further the progress of science.
My estimations place my time of death to be in four hours, three minutes and sixteen seconds. Then I shall pass into another world, where Mommy awaits with open arms.
Source of alleged "death knell" traced, with 95% probability, to the captain's quarters. Allged "death knell" was, in fact, The Power of Love. What can I say, to my Vulcan senses the difference is negligible.
The logical course of action would be to strive to remove all traces of my last will and testament from the ship's cache.
Captains log: Stardate April 4 and a half.
Last night when I was trying to convince Spock that he was not, in fact, dying of "aural assaults", someone broke into my quarters and stole my karaoke machine.
Lt. Sulu, who has been drunk and attached to it for three DAYS (Seriously, man, I need sex and sleep, GTFO) seems to have gone with it.
Seriously, if I had to hear Cher's "Believe" one more time.. well, can you ever really hear Cher too many times? I suppose I should be thankful for the opportunity.
Anyway. I hope he's currently Kara-ing Chekov's Oke, if you catch my drift.
Jim Kirk the Great
Dear diary,
Well, I survived last night, which is a miracle in light of the combination of booze and Kirk that I consumed.
If only my troubles would go down the toilet as easily as the contents of my stomach.
Aw fuck, Uhura says Pavel is looking for me.
Until next time (fuck fuck FUCK),
Hikaru
Dear diary,
Guess what happened? Just now, for miniscule time period, the power shut down. We were gravitationally displaced and have oscillated to the up and bottom, which does not exist in space but I cannot find replacement words. Do not worry! Scotty's voice has come over the speakers and he make guarantee of no problem.
...but clearly there are problems, though I would not call them problems. The ship programming is now cuckoo and when I accessed my PADD it started to download information meant for Mr Sulu. I think there is a possibility of technical malfunction, but now I have full access to Mr Sulu's files.
Hasta la vista, diary. See, I am now speaking like Mr Sulu, in Spanish. I cannot wait to see what documents he holds in his folders.
Yours,
Pavel
poetry.txt
There once was a boy who flew
Sat there, next to you-know-who.
I loved his eyes, green as the grass
I even appreciated his firm, toned ass.
He can't say "v" or "w"
But his subtle voice is like a coo.
I love him, my boy who flies
My beautiful boy, with the deep green eyes.
And only, if only something rhymed with his name
Hikaru and Pavel would never be twain.
--H. Sulu
ThermodynamicsClass.txt
"Professor Zhekoff, is there anything I can do for extra-credit?" Walter asked. Walter was a skinny, gangly sort of student. He had been bullied in grade school and high school, and he was often found wearing a checked shirt with pants tucked all the way up to his nipples. A scientific calculator lived in his breast pocket, alongside and assortment of blue ballpoint pens, 0.38mm.
Professor Zhekoff was the hottest professor in the school. He was a pure genius, and at the age of five had resolved the Markov paradox and at the age of seven was awarded the United Federation of Planets Scientific Scholarship. Sure, Walter was a good student, but during Professor Zhekoff's class he often found himself lost in the large green pools of the professor's eyes. The scientific genius had a body of a god, and the sunlight shimmered on his dark blond hair like a halo. His hair was the perfect length, it fell down in light waves to just below the ears. The scholar was always impeccably dressed, today he was clad in a fitting v-neck white tee shirt and skinny jeans that clung to the shape of his calves, sculpted from hours of hard work at the gym.
Professor Zhekoff smiled. "But you are my best student," he said to the Asian man. "And I am running out of extra credit assignments to assign to you."
Walter's bespectacled face fell. "But professor...I want so badly to do something for you..." He was practically panting in desperation. He was beside himself. Though he did not want it he felt his dick harden. Professor Zhekoff's aquamarine eyes bore into him. Walter felt ashamed...but he could not help himself. "I love you, professor."
To his surprise, the professor started to get out of his seat. "You have been such an attentive student," he mused. "I should be thanking you instead."
The professor cast off his clothes and threw himself upon the student. Did he want me all along? The hardworking pupil said. They kissed passionately, tongues lashing in each others' mouths.
"Oh!" the diligent sophomore said. He had wanted this for so long. He felt as if he could explode from joy, and
Dear diary,
Mr. Sulu's files are a scary and a bad place.
I do believe he wishes to have more intercourse with me.
Perhaps I shall finally, as he said, "put a ring on it"?
Pavel
dear diary,
holy shit you know the power outage we had just now? when the power came back on this..."secret compartment" in the karaoke machine became unlocked and damn it's all kinky pornos.
h. sulu
Dear diary,
It is with great jubilation I report that Mr Sulu and I have resumed the sexy. It happened when I decided to break into his room to slap him, because I confided in Uhura and she said that Mr Sulu was acting like a baby and needed some common sense slapped into him.
Anyway, I broke into the room, and Mr Sulu was watching an instructional video called "MaXXXimum Warp: To Go Where No Man Has Gone Before". I slapped Mr Sulu, and asked him if the video was instructional.
Yes, he said, and pushed me against the wall and started to kiss me. At that point I was still angry with him, diary, so I slapped him again. As you know if there's one thing I absolutely hate it's being pushed around. So I gave him a taste of his own medicine. I shoved him roughly against the other wall, and ripped his shirt off. As instructed by the video I said to him, bitch, I know you want my cock in you, you filthy slut. You want my come all over you, you want to taste it, you whore.
Unfortunately I was unable to proceed as instructed by the video because I am not in possession of two peenshkas.
You know what, diary. The sexy was, as Mr Sulu put it before he fell asleep, "mind blowingly awesome". I am very contented now, I am happy as a cat who just ate three cans of Fancy Feast and is sleeping in the sun by the window. I miss my Katyusha. I want to rub her on the tummy, and run my fingers through her soft orange fur.
I cannot really sleep, which is why I keep on writing, but Mr Sulu is concussed and only responds when I put my hands on his tummy and pretend he is Katyusha. Stop it, Pasha, he laughs, and then makes some noises that sound so much like my Katyusha.
Yours,
Pavel
p.s. after I finished the above entry I decided to watch another one of the instructional videos. This was entitled "Lightsaber techniques". I was disappointed to find that it showed no instruction of how to handle a lightsaber, which apparently is a glowing stick, which I'm sure Mr Sulu is an expert at. In fact this person cannot wield a lightsaber at all, it is a wonder he will ever achieve orgasm. He is leaping around like a fool brandishing the glowing stick, making monkey noises. When he turned around I saw it was Mr Kirk.
Dear diary,
It turns out I was right the first time: I'm in love with a boywhore.
Luckily for me, he's MY boywhore.
Until next time,
Hikaru
PS- more sexytimes to come if we ever manage to scrub the image of Kirk's "lightsaber" from our brains.
Sender: n.uhura@bridge.enterprise.ss
Recipient: gaila@tech.enterprise.ss
Subject: OMG THIS IS SOOOO FUNNY!!
Arrgh! You know how everyone's files were mixed up just now? Someone's fixed it now, but apparently someone's been writing gossip about our ship, and everyone's talking about it.
Hey guurls!
Spotted:
Bulk order confirmation receipt for four dozen bottles of Viagra, to be picked up at next planetary pitstop. Set course for Starbase 69!
Did yesterday's confrontation in cabin 405 scare you? Presumptions of domestic violence rebuffed, thankfully (we'd never ever wish that on anyone, not even the beeyotches on Farragut-B); S & C are going at it again, very very audibly.
A little bird has also dropped this gem of a video on the ship's network: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPPj6viIBmU Big J, is dat chu?
Till next time, xoxo
p.e.b.
OMGGG! WHO IS P.E.B.? What does it stand for? I know you Engineering guys gossip all the time, bb you gotta keep me updated!!!
Sender: l.mccoy@med.enterprise.ss
Recipient: j.t.kirk@bridge.enterprise.ss
Subject: FWD: FWD: FWD: OMG THIS IS SOOOO FUNNY!!
Jim, have you seen this? It's currently making the rounds.
Hey guurls!
Spotted:
Bulk order confirmation receipt for four dozen bottles of Viagra, to be picked up at next planetary pitstop. Set course for Starbase 69!
Did yesterday's confrontation in cabin 405 scare you? Presumptions of domestic violence rebuffed, thankfully (we'd never ever wish that on anyone, not even the beeyotches on Farragut-B); S & C are going at it again, very very audibly.
A little bird has also dropped this gem of a video on the ship's network: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPPj6viIBmU Big J, is dat chu?
Till next time, xoxo
p.e.b.
WHAT THE HELL, JIM. WHAT THE HELL. Also, apparently there's more.
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ANONS, TAKE SOME DAMN CREDIT HERE!
Date: 2009-06-28 03:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-28 06:13 am (UTC)Yay! I am excited for more round robin type fic to come!
no subject
Date: 2009-06-28 06:49 am (UTC)It feels a bit odd deanoning, but oh well.
no subject
Date: 2009-06-28 06:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-28 03:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-28 03:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-29 12:09 am (UTC)Both of those killed me with the awesome.
no subject
Date: 2009-06-29 12:50 am (UTC)Also, I started the viagra.
no subject
Date: 2009-06-29 03:48 am (UTC)